


Bare walls holding you tight

by lovestillaround



Series: writing from prompts [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21525832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovestillaround/pseuds/lovestillaround
Summary: it’s 2012, Dan and Phil have recently moved to London and things don’t go as planned
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: writing from prompts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1548238
Comments: 7
Kudos: 31





	Bare walls holding you tight

**Author's Note:**

> for [bluenaute](https://bluenaute.tumblr.com/) <3
> 
> inspired by these two videos:  
> [WALTER by Phil](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jz4-sqpD5A)  
> [I Can't Sleep by Dan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSN-lS4bmGM)

Phil’s hands are shaking but only slightly. He puts them in between his thighs.

Dan is sitting on the other end of the couch and is watching him. Phil can see him from the corner of his eye, but he can’t bring himself to get closer to him or to say anything. He only slides down the couch a bit, stretching his legs, then puts his head against the backrest and closes his eyes. It was only a phone call. An unpleasant one, yes – but it shouldn’t matter that much. It shouldn’t bring tears to his eyes, that’s silly.

“They didn’t like the idea,” he says.

“I’ve heard.”

Phil opens his eyes and looks at Dan. He’s forgotten that now Dan can see those tears and he immediately regrets his move. He also regrets that he doesn’t have a blanket with him. He wants to hide, cover himself up, he wants to disappear for a moment. Dan’s expression full of worry is only making everything worse and Phil feels bad for even having a thought like this.

“Phil, don’t. It’s okay.” Dan reaches out and puts his hand on Phil’s arm. Phil wishes it would help, but it doesn’t. Not at all.

“We don’t have money, Dan.”

They fall silent.

“We’ll figure this out,” Dan says eventually, with barely any conviction.

Phil wants to ask _how_ , but he figures it would be pointless, maybe even mean.

“If nothing changes, I’ll talk with my parents,” he says after a while. He doesn’t like even thinking about it. He doesn’t like asking for help, and he doesn’t like the thought of doing so miserable in life that he would need to ask his parents for money at the age of twenty-five.

If they only had a sponsor for a video, for one video for now. But they don’t because people didn’t like Phil’s idea, and they had quickly found someone better. Phil tries not to think of himself as a failure, but it’s hard right now. He honestly doesn’t know how to live.

Dan moves closer and rests his head on Phil’s shoulder. It doesn’t really make Phil feel better, and even though he really wants to take his mind somewhere else, he can’t snap out of his thoughts. He thinks that they should be responsible. They should be figuring things out and making rational decisions, meanwhile their future is so uncertain, their whole life is so fragile and everything can break at any moment.

His phone rings, and the sudden noise makes him jump. At first he thinks that maybe whoever he talked to a few minutes ago has changed their mind about the sponsorship, but when he looks at the screen, it turns out that it’s just his mum.

Phil’s chest feels heavy when he gently pushes Dan’s head off his shoulder and stands up. He doesn’t really want Dan to listen to this particular conversation.

*

“We have a sponsor,” he says as he comes into Dan’s room a few days later. It’s weird to call it like this, to call it _Dan’s room_ , even in his mind, yet he doesn’t know how to stop himself from doing it.

Dan’s on the computer, editing a video from what Phil can see. He turns around on his chair, faces the door.

“I mean, I have,” Phil says before he thinks. It shouldn’t sound so rude, yet it does.

Dan seems to tense up a bit after this remark. “That’s great. Who is it?”

Phil explains the concept of the ad – doing a whole video to sponsor a company that makes sweets, a video that would possibly include a huge blow up mascot.

“You’re going to advertise a big fucking blow doll?” is all Dan says.

“It’s not like I have a choice, Dan. And it’s not a blow doll, it’s…” Phil starts, but no other description comes to his mind.

“It was just a joke,” Dan says, his voice and expression softening drastically, but Phil still feels weird and defeated.

“Would you help me come up with some ideas?” he asks, looking at the floor and not at Dan.

“Sure.” At least Dan doesn’t sounds anymore like he’s asking for forgiveness, and Phil can pretend that everything is normal.

*

They get some money, but it doesn’t mean that it’s the end of their problems. It’s not, because Dan can’t sleep. It doesn’t really sound like much of an issue, and maybe that’s one of the worst aspects of this whole thing.

*

Phil gets kicked in his sleep and wakes up to Dan wriggling and muttering something in his sleep. Tired and confused, he props himself up and reaches out to find some body part that he could grab and shake. In the darkness, he finds Dan’s arm.

“Dan,” he says as he sways back and forward, trying to shake Dan awake. Nothing happens.

“Dan!” he tries louder and harder, and maybe it isn’t really the best decision.

Dan jerks awake violently and pulls away. The movement is sharp and quick, and it looks like he wants to run away from something, maybe from the touch, maybe he’s still trying to escape the dream, Phil doesn’t know. The one sure thing is that it startles them both.

“Dan, Dan, it’s okay,” Phil tries to calm him down, because Dan has never had such a strong reaction to being woken up. Phil doesn’t really know what to do except trying to talk to him, assuring him that everything’s fine.

He can’t really see that much, but he makes out the shape of Dan’s arm, moving towards his own chest, clutching at his heart.

“Jesus,” Dan huffs, and only now Phil realises that his breathing is heavy. The sound is too quiet to bounce off the empty walls, maybe that's why he hasn't noticed it immediately.

Phil waits for Dan to calm down a bit more, still not daring to move.

It doesn’t take long. After a moment, Dan calms down enough to move his body, to get closer to Phil, to lay his head on his chest. He puts his arm around him, his fingers dig into Phil’s side a bit painfully.

“Bad dream?” Phil asks. He’s calmer now, but at the same time he’s not, not at all.

“Ugh,” Dan groans, wriggling a bit more, this time just trying to find a comfortable position.

*

Phil doesn’t know why it keeps happening.

Maybe it’s because Dan’s still getting used to being in the new flat. Maybe it’s not homely enough, reminding him of his university halls too much.

Maybe Phil should try harder to make it feel like home.

*

He talks about it with Dan. About his sleeping problems – nightmares, insomnia and waking up too early. 

“It was just this bizarre experience, where it was like… Like I had ten dreams at the same time, but also kind of felt awake?” Dan rambles.

Phil’s having a hard time trying to understand it. “What?”

“Yeah, like. It was such a mess. Do you have that too sometimes?”

“Well, no, I don’t think so.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Phil says, feeling insecure all of the sudden.

“I’ll make a video about that," Dan shrugs. "I’m sure there are people who can relate.”

Phil tries really hard to not take it as offence, but Dan’s words still sting. It’s a quiet implication that Phil doesn’t understand him, doesn’t know what he’s going through.

“Wanna tell me more about it? What were those dreams?” Phil asks in an attempt to connect with Dan, and also to distract himself from his slightly hurt feelings.

Dan answers and they talk about it for a while longer.

*

Maybe their life isn't perfect, but they're trying to make it better by maintaining some kind of routine.

“It’s so wild that we’re living in London now,” Dan says one day as they’re having breakfast. Phil never thought that making breakfast and eating it together could be an issue, but with Dan's disrupted sleep patterns even such a trivial thing proves to be a challenge.

Now, his mood lights up when he hears Dan. He really likes being here, even though many things turned out to be much more difficult to deal with than they've anticipated. He likes that they took this opportunity, even if it was an irresponsible choice.

“Yeah, it is,” he agrees. “I never thought I would live here. I never even liked London.”

“Do you like it now, like, fully?” Dan asks. They were talking about their experiences with London so often, before and after the move, that now Dan knows nearly everything. Nearly.

“I’m still growing to like it,” Phil says, but can’t keep himself from smiling.

He digs his fork into the scrambled eggs when Dan speaks out again.

“Do you think we’re gonna stay here for long?”

Phil thinks about it for a moment, but realises that there's no easy answer to this question.

“Maybe,” he says eventually.

He kind of wants to say _“does it matter where we stay, if we stay together?”_ , but he changes his mind in the last moment.

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](https://lovestillaround.tumblr.com/post/189237028838/miss-daria-could-you-do-17-or-21-for-the-dialogue)   
>  [twitter](https://twitter.com/lifelomographic/status/1198011181916704773)


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